Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved many, mostly pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, but I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men engage in open relationships, yet from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring what you want completely … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
